The Hole In My Heart!

I’ve been dreading this week for some time. It will be the one year anniversary of my son, Mark’s death. It has been a very hard year.

There seems to be various levels of grief and the ability to put them in the back of your mind to be pulled out and thought about when called upon, but few, if any tears. I think we are programed to expect we will lose our parents before we pass. Of course the grief will be there, but easier to put deeper in your mind because it is the expected.

The second level is the loss of a spouse, aunt,uncle or close friend. But even in those cases. you can get passed the grief, but never forget them. This grief is closer to the surface, but can be tucked away from your close consciousness. People often find a second love, moving on, but not forgetting.

Then there is the loss of a child of any age. They will always be your child. We are not the first or last people that will have this tragedy enter their lives. No parent is prepared for it. It is not the way it is supposed to be. We learn God's plan does not match ours. The grief is so deep because your child has unfinished business. I have been able to compartmentalize somewhat, but tears are never far from the surface. Yesterday, I was a tough day because in a conversation with my brother, who lost his son eight months before Mark, we both shed tears.

What am I going to do to observe this hard anniversary? On Wednesday and Thursday I will be off the radar. I will go to my church to pray and write the story. Writing has always been cathartic for me. I am writing it mostly for me, my friends, Mark’s friends and for the posterity in family history. I pray that this moves me forward, but I know I will continue to grieve. We all grieve in our own way. Ecclesiastes 3 and the 23rd Psalm are readings I refer to in these tough times.

God loves you and so do I.

Sam