Inside and Outside

Some readers of the Looking for Nirvana are of the older generation.   They are both old friends and OLD friends. I think all of us are trying to figure what it all means.

We all think about our age.  We remember our parents and run a parallel time line.  They were always old to us even though they may have been younger than our kids.  When we remember our parents from our younger vantage point at our age, if we were lucky enough to have had them with us, we see very old people.  Yet we do not see ourselves, who maybe even older than they were at the time.  However, I often look at a reflection and say.” My God I am my father”. 

I have a friend who was sixty-seven, just six years older than me.  I told him I don’t have friends who are sixties-seven.  Sixty-seven year olds were my grandparents.  As children we remember our grandparents were in their sixties.  Now I have flown by sixty-seven and certainly don’t feel seventy.  Do I look seventy?  Of course I do. DAMNIT!

We are in a dichotomy of INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.  Inside we do not feel our age..  We are still excited about things. We laugh. We cry. We computer, email and yes, there are aches and pains and meds that give away that we are not all we think we are. Overall our mind is feeling much as it has our whole life.  We may even have a cell phone, an Ipod and a Blog. We observe life. We love life. We love our friends, both old and young. We don’t like, but reluctantly must accept the outside of us.

When we look outside, we see the wrinkles and the liver spots and the scars and the scalp and the gray, man boobs, saggy boobs and the food that somehow always stains our shirts. If we put our shirts in hot water we could make soup.  This is how others see us,  and if they are strangers they dismiss us as irrelevant.  Even Nielson doesn’t give a damn what we watch of TV.  They don’t recognize that some of the resources for younger spending actually come from us.

The fact is we are both inside and outside, hence a dichotomy.  We really know what it means to “have your health”.  Even though my mechanical inside is a mess between heart attack, by-pass surgeries, prostate cancer and coming cataracts and who knows what else, I consider myself healthy because my mind is active and happy, even though the short term memory is suspect. I do feel genuinely good right now.  I only feel unhealthy when I have the flu or bronchitis, but they eventually pass. I surround myself with as many young adults and children as I can.  They keep me in touch with their present and their future.  I truly love them.  I like to help them whether it is them giving advice, listening to them and their music (rap is a No! No!) or a little gift they would not give themselves.  Their hugs make me happy and that’s all I ever ask.  I work for hugs.

I am truly blessed in life.  Now where is that plastic surgeon when I need him?

Have a nice day!

Sammy Carl